Today was one of the worst days of the year for me.  I put on a hell of a show though huh? People think that i am a happy go lucky mother fucker that always has a smile on his face...guess what inside i am not...My insides are twisted contorted and it feels like i am breaking down my lungs collapse my eyes give out my legs crack and break beneath.  I don't know what all this means really...Someone i really like no chance with...Liked her while i was dating my ex girlfriend...Heck to be honest i liked her before i was dating my ex girlfriend....she could be the most amazing girl i have ever met...but i will never know...Sometimes i just wish that bam ya life is easy...I thought about a favorite moment in my life.  The last time i was able to spend quality time with my dad, before he turned into a vegetable.  People say they would rather have a loved one die expectidly than unexpectedly, well they should htink that true...Can you imaged watching your dad die for six months...Know it is going to happen..>hold on to everyminute you have...Watch him go from walking to hobbling to crawling, to being reduced to be in a wheelchair to being reduced to lying on the couch without being able to move, or talk...Just say...blah blah trying to decipher...Watching him lose his bowels...Imagine that...imagine that the worst time in your life compare it with this, the day he died i will never forget...410 in the morning they come get me from the nurses station we believe your dad is going to go...I look at him still same comatic state he was in before...I don't know what is going on...here it comes the death witnessing a comatic patient struggle for air...trying to survive, knowing last time you will see him have a breath...now i am fatherless...No parent in my life...I can't get through my days anymore...i love someone that i can't even come close to...i need to learn to love myself and remember my dad is with me...

Today sucked...It was 112 in aberdeen.  We have a bunch of family problems..>Right now my nuts are stickin to my leg cuz it is so damned hot... Ihave problems.  haha...My chest feels like it is caving in.  I can feel it in the inside, twisting and contorting.   I am going nuts basically...I sing to myself like lalalalala la la la la.   It is pathetic...I haven't "hung out" in a long time...Later blog thingy...

Ok so here is the point i am going to make.  Last night senior party.  I was just enjoying myself and stuff....Some crazy shit happened and a saved a girls life.  I am the nicest guy in the world. NO regard for myself i froze to death in god damned underwear last night.  It was pretty crazy.  Then being a nice guy, made me lose something I have never had.  I have been trying to go out with her forever.....I guess i could call her a bitch now.  Its amazing how much an attitude will change one night.  I guess i am kind of mad at the guy too, cuz he knew.  But o well you know.  NO matter how much i can try god opens up the clouds....Takes a few chocolate exlax and takes dumpes on my face.  He craps on my face.  I don't know why, i pretty much wanted to be the one trying to drowned myself.  i sat by the fire and thought, why am i so damn ugly and not able to get girls.  Then i was thinking of how i passed a girl up because i loved the one that dug my heart out with a spoon and poured salt on my wounds...............................But you know what....I am out........I know that no one can treat her like I would and mayeb she will realize someday....This is a hell of a kick off to summer, good thing all of my friends are gone....maybe there won't be a fil^ around next year for anyone to dump on.  

 

Love phil

The worst day but best day came on sunday.  I got the courage to ask someone what I have been meaning too for about 4 months haha.  But the answer i got wasn't the best...It was more or less silent.  So i got her talked into a maybe haha...Pretty well shafted huh?  Then I climbed away from that.  And Put together a good week.  Monday night I can't remember what I did.  And i don't remember what i did last night either....But I did play with my little pal tonight and then i mowed the lawn again wait thats what i did tuesday.  I have tried to impress the person from sunday night but i still can't do it.  I really have trouble but someday maybe we will go out or soemthing.  it would be awesome.........I got to go....Later everyone....Last real day of school was today later..

 

Phil

Today sucked.  I was so stoked for church this morning.  I was going to go at 11 to my church and guess what.....Somehow i seem to sleep til 1130.  I woke up mad at my mom but it was my own fault.  I haven't slept that late in so many years it is crazy.  Latest i have slept recently has been like 930 at the latest.  So i am really down today cuz i couldn't get to church on account i am stupid and over sleep.  It really sucks.  I have never been to a good friday service.  I really wanted to see what one was like.  I don't know if any other lutheran churches are the same.  I was thinking about going to one tonight. but i odn't think it will save me from the fact i missed again.  Now i have to wait a year to go.  A whole freakin year.....365 days.....I am so pissed at myself i can't even explain.  Myself sucks....Y do i have to listen to myself.....You myslef i hate me....Screw me.......I hope me dies............Freakin me............

 

:::::::::::::::::::::    (<thats supposedly a gun)   PHIL   (Its amed at me ) 

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